Some mixed feelings

I wanted to start out the new year with a really positive post. I had laser surgery on my eyes and was looking forward to writing about my clear vision, and my excitement over my students’ upcoming college auditions. Then several things happened.

1.  My recovery from the operation was much more complicated than I expected. I had discomfort and blurry vision for a full week and a half, and just became functional as I began my teaching this week. So I got very little done in preparation for the new year. I have a syllabus to write for a class beginning the 19th (if it’s not cancelled – only 3 people have registered) and a recital to organize for the MacDowell Club.

2. My father died on Thursday of this week. He was 86, he had a leg amputated 2 years ago, he had the beginnings of dementia, he was on dialysis 3x a week and he had a necrotic foot. His little toe literally fell off the day before my eye surgery. But still, he and I were closer than my mother and I ever were and losing him is hard to fathom. Especially the part about “I’m an orphan now.”

3. My best student, who I was preparing for auditions, decided NOT to go into music. She wept about it but she decided that as much as she loves music and wants to perform, she doesn’t want to be a music major. I accepted it well – I kind of expected it based on a FB status she’d posted recently – but I’m so disappointed, not in her, but because I really, really believe she could have a major career. But she still intends to study, she still intends to sing, and all the colleges to which she’s applying have music departments in which she can participate, and who knows? She may change her mind. Then she can audition NEXT year.

On the positive side, my eyes feel MUCH better – I’d say today is the first day that I think my vision is at about 20/25 (I wake up with 20/20). And I got 4 new students this week and next, one of whom is cramming for auditions because she was working with someone who focused on technique to the exclusion of repertoire (something I can understand but NOT when someone is preparing for college auditions!).

So hopefully the next time I write, it will be from a position of clarity, visually, emotionally and personally. I will try to refrain from a title of “I can see clearly now,” but I may not be able to resist.

One thought on “Some mixed feelings

  1. Christine, This sounds perfectly clear to me. You're dealing with so much all at once. Having all that going on can make it difficult to separate your feelings and make them clear.I'm sorry to hear about your father. And having vision problems can make you feel foggy in other ways, too.Not so long ago (11 yrs.), I had a detached retina, and had laser surgery on both retinas. The eye with the detachment took 3 yrs. to settle down!Speaking for myself, I'm finally coming out of a really crummy year which I'm extremely anxious to leave behind.Hang in there. Better days are coming. Thinking of you.


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