I’ve started again….

It’s been awhile since I wrote – since February, in fact. And since then, I’ve put my house on the market, closed my voice studio and moved to Baltimore.

Oh, and I started running again. .

I decided it was time. And weirdly enough, I’m enjoying it much more than the first time through C25K.

Today was W5 D3 – which is a huge deal. W5D2 calls for a 5 minute warm-up walk, followed by 8 minutes of running, 3 minutes of walking, and 8 minutes of running.

W5D3 calls for the same warm-up, but then 20 solid minutes of running.

I was not anticipating being able to do that. I fully expected to walk part of it. But maybe it was the relatively flat path I chose, or the time of day, or determination – but I did it! Not only did I do it, but I finished before I’d made it home, so I wound up walking 2 minutes and then running the last 3.

All before 7:30am. Who the hell am I, anyway?

But it feels different this time. I’m not swearing, for one. I’m not listening to music as I run. I tend to count. To about 100 and then I start over.

Maybe it’s because I’m in better shape (Body by Zumba!), or maybe it’s because I’ve lost 14# (hello, Wheat Belly!), or maybe it’s just that I’m ready for it now.

In any event, I’m looking forward to week 6. Don’t know if I’ll run another 5K any time soon. Don’t know if I want to run in a pack of people or if I need to do a run at all.

Trying to figure out what this all means. There are a lot of changes.

I’ll try to write more on here. 2013 is turning out to beanother Year I Ran – and if 2010 was because of the death of my parents, what is 2013 about?

Finding my Audition Mindset

Today I went to audition for Opera AACC (Anne Arundel Community College). They are doing two shows for which I would be perfect – Carmen (as the title character or as Mercedes – except they weren’t casting that role) and Amahl & the Night Visitors (as Mother).

It went okay. I sang “Seguidilla” from Carmen. I would’ve liked to have sung “All that gold” from Amahl, but I just got my music books delivered on Thursday, didn’t find the music till my nephew Nick unpacked it for me on Sunday, and I just didn’t feel like it was perfect. “Seguidilla” wasn’t perfect – my first run was a little sloppy, for some reason. And I tripped over some French.

But I sang well, and I sang expressively, I think.

The hardest thing for me is getting into the same level of intensity and engagement in my auditioning that I have in my teaching and in my performing. And part of it is armor that I’ve put on over the past few years. It’s the “Well, you’re not going to hire me anyway, so why should I put myself out there for you?” armor that I’ve developed after numerous auditions for Milwaukee companies over the last ten years. Which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m not giving it my all and therefore, I’m not getting hired. And then I wound up not even auditioning because I didn’t want to give a mediocre audition and not get hired, and I didn’t want to give a terrific audition – and still not get hired.

What I have to remember is that I have no control over getting hired. I only can control the quality of my audition.

In this blog article, the author identifies two specific kinds of mindsets:

1. The worry-induced mindset, which “creates a condition in which the auditioners will actually begin to worry about them.”

and

2. The self-possessed mindset: “The self-possessed mindset is a fiercely independent spirit that creates the metaphorical space for an actor to do their audition the way they want to do it, without needing anything from the auditioner.”

I don’t know if my negative mindset exactly met the definition of #1. I think it was more of a “I don’t care if you like me or not and in fact I know you’re not going to, so I’m not going to do anything to change your mind.” I know I’ve sat through worry-induced mindsets as an adjudicator, and I know I’ve given some worry-inducing auditions when I was a very young singer.

But I need to find the self-possessed mindset and I need to do it now. There is no reason why I cannot give that audition. I am a fiercely independent spirit. I don’t need anything from the auditioner. I don’t need permission.